Talk is cheap, now I know.

Title shows it all yeah? I'm currently in this dilemma of... moving on with life and making decisions, good ones. Find me silly or what, but I'm seriously one messed up, ironic person. I can write ten pages long story about my mixed up feelings and emotions. And describe myself with long long sentences (which I believe some people dread).

One simple question, I feel like ever since beginning of this year, I've become a improved yet ridiculous person,  guess I'm confusing y'all? Will be straightforward here. I try practicing positivity repetitively . It works sometimes. Other times? Maybe not. There are days I still feel negative, things like remorse, guilt and self-doubt; they all come back. Am I having some clinical depression or something? Well I could elaborate more if y'all insist.

People who knows me can laugh at it now. Because they realized how a "happy", "perfect" (so far from it OMG) person turned out to be someone made out of total irony. I mean, I know humans are not born perfect and all. However,  my feelings are far from worse. I feel stupid, not worthy of things I have.

Now the negative side of Sta is talking.

I feel like I let everyone around me down, no matter how I try to amend myself, to become better. I ended up bringing them down further. Sad, it seems. On days I feel like I will be alright, things go bad. Vise versa: when I'm not looking forward to certain days, things get alright. Tell why am I thinking too much? Being some paranoid bitch.

When I get nasty, I really miss those days I feel positive about life. Is my ego surfacing, eating me up? I hope not. I'm just somehow tired of living up to expectations.

To people who cares a lot about me, I'm really sorry if I've let you down. I don't mean it, I fucking don't. It's hard, sometimes. The roads can be bloody rocky.
I want to show y'all that I'm capable (not when pride gets in the way).

I want to get up again. I want to keep trying. Thank you for being there, lovely humans who care.

Sobs. - And MOST humans are weird, whatever goodness they have, no matter how great things are...there is this little side of them that is unsatisfied. Or what should I  say, sometimes we want more. And more. And so forth. Isn't it exhausting?

Just as I'm recovering towards hope, things can start falling apart so I'm hella afraid.