Encircling dreams

"When was the last time you did something for the first time?" 
"If not now, then when?" 
"Do something your future self will thank you for now." 

Three significant quotations to consider; the guiding principles Sta seeks this year.
These past few months has been rather different for Sta. Her being unorthodox, unconventional and too unpredictable a person, she decided to hop around (again), to explore several new things.

Now one downside to having many interests is that Sta is prone to committing more errors. Her attention span on things are kind of  'all over the place'.

First of all, she tweaked her direction - her course of study. She made a swap from being a Management student, to a Technical one. Ya know... get a little more practical on topics that entice her.

On top of that, she joined her school's Dragon Boat. This was how she got introduced to the gym lifestyle in general. New human figures to learn from. Oh, and more about herself too! It was never smooth-sailing. Definitely not all rainbows and unicorns (hah). She was taught to be more discipline, and the most prominent thing would be for her to be a better team-player. Or so she tried.

Maybe Sta was a spoiled brat before. Now she compensates. Action speaks louder than words. She realized the overwhelming support she gets from her family members and friends throughout these years. All the privileges and luxuries she has/ has had here. Very honored by the way.

Count this a 'rites of passage'. A way to make her grow both mentally and physically.

Blue Red

Life lesson update episode unknown. ;P


Not being delusional when I say that.. But I am someone who stems towards the great human potential:

- In rare cases, OBEs (Out of Body Experiences) do exist, after all. Maybe your angels are somewhere out there, looking out for you. The angel can be an unseen force of nature. This is "to each their own". To contextualized it, some theories could be explained artistically, philosophically, religiously and scientifically. Depending on each varying predicament we are in, or had been. Do good, at least you won't feel bad about it.

- Hell can annoyance be interlinked with care and concern. If there is something I can strongly resonate with this year, it would be agreeing on the fact that love and hate are both feelings. Many a time, I could think ill and positive about some random dude out there. I may have released my inner woes by gossiping about that person, keyword: may have. But you know what? Within a few days I am fairly much well and chirpy again. This means I have no more issues with him/her. It was just that short period of time I felt unsatisfied with his/her attitude towards things. Such a blinking light bulb you are, Calista.

- Coincidences can be a rather beautiful thing. Take it this way, the universe does send people at the right time, for reasons undefined. They may be there to make an impact on you, or there to teach you lessons. The given time frame could be long or short, but that is completely okay. What's substantial is the process; how every action you take has a reaction. If it its meant to be, it will be. Avoid taking things too literally, it does not serve our mental health well.



*PS. This post is very Spirituality based. I'm not particularly diving into the science aspect of humanity (as you can see). I mean c'mon, y'all must've already read through your Biology and Chemistry books - knowing a thing or two about how the body work wonders.


To end off:

Insomnia

I could whine about the weather; the set-up; my conflicting, backfiring plans; my doubts; worries and concerns. The list of excuses could go on for eternity (not literally). But you know what? This is an outlet where I try to sort and rewire my brain. Jot the relevant things down so I could organize and straighten myself out. Writing can be a form of therapy after all, my friends.

The game plan has changed. Not only am I growing up and realizing a lot of things, I kind of feel remotely stand-offish from my original values and priorities. What I meant from this statement is that I am ever-changing, forever evolving and re-equipping. Intuitively, I sense the big shift happening. It has started since 3 years ago.

They say everyone's timing vary, now I know what they meant. As much as I call myself an early bloomer, I would call myself a late bloomer too. Many things in life are just a build-up from one thing to another. Like the swirls and spirals you make while paddling on water, or just simply counting the number of thoughts we have within one minute - they come..go,. come back again..and go.

I am a fucking little girl, entering adulthood. One of those 'spoiled' child you see, being thrown into a vast world.  Somehow I have to wake up from this dream of indulging in luxuries and privileges. As much as my ego cannot accept that (and is hushing me to stop conveying words and expressions), I want to show that raw part of human nature, such vulnerabilities.

A shameless selfie to top it all off.

See you, I am currently an irregular on this site.

My Pledge; Sta Fey's Pledge

Two egos working together
One an alter-ego
Always shaping
always reforming
always running wild with thoughts

Sta
I plead you to keep your inner-child
for it will support you
And withstand you
From the ruthless world outside
from the dirty bad devils
from the paradox itself

Fey
Continue initiating ideas
Seeking knowledge and wisdom
Seeing beauty amidst the
Not-so-pretty things
not treachery lives
no words can sum up

Allow yourself
to make mistakes
to fail
to hurt

After all
this is a test
a race
a lesson
a chronology

You are encouraged
To bring abundance
Into the garden
blossoming with fragrance
exuding beams
of fog and clarity alike

Continue learning
to move forward
to reinvent yourself

T&O: Balance

Hey y'all, what comes into your mind when you think of the word "balance"?

Personally, I think of a number of things. In fact, I think of possibly everything.

The strive to achieve equilibrium; it starts from a thing as simple as checking your own food intake - whether you have taken in too much or too little glucose (sugar) and sodium into your body. Be it taking prescribed drugs, or drinking liquor, the last thing you want is to overdose yourself. Water and fire can also be a foe when they are in excess. Yes, all (or most) things require conditioning.

Despite all these precautions, ONE thing is for sure: IT IS HARD TO FIND THE BALANCE.

We all struggle to find it at times. We never find it, we compromise and barely try to narrow a bunch of listings down.   (Now shush Fey, don't get brutal and hurt others)

.

Balance can be associated with other subsistence like numbers and symbols. Remember the ever-so-famous Algebraic Manipulation? There is a standard way to find the 'x'. Firstly, you correct your own thinking. That is, by equipping yourself with relevant formulas (and how they are formed). Then take baby steps in matching the left side of the equation to the right, before deriving at the answer. 

How about cognitive processes Calista? Hmm... good question. Let me talk a bit about the effectiveness of using complex thinking. First off, when facing a mind-boggling problem, try finding the root cause of it. If it is bothering you too much, come up with ways to tackle it, worrying and over-exerting pressure will only torment you further. 

But how? Okay buddy, relax. I am not going to give any immediate solution(s) and what-nots (that would be utterly useless). Not oblige to do that anyways. This very post, the one you are reading with your own keen eyes, is going to be undoubtedly suggestive. 

Try uncovering the factors that contribute to the problem first. After all, these little parts create the whole picture. Join them together if they are related. This can be as simple as asking yourself why you feel in a certain way.



Fictional scenario 1 (with mildly fictional characters and place)

Sta-bot: F@%^!$%@! Argh... dammit I'm pissed.

Sta-wiz (comforter):  Why are you infuriated, my dear?

Sta-bot: Idk, I just... I don't like coming to this place at this time. Regrets!

Sta-wiz (comforter): But honey what can you do about it? /talks all-round like a mama/

Sta-bot: Sheesh, you are not helping any further. Why did I even follow your here!!

*Now, at this point of time, the opposite party can lit up and spark a fire, aka argument. But no.*

*continues*

Sta-wiz (comforter): Oh no no Sta... You just don't go about pointing fingers at another living being.

Sta-bot: *After a dramatic episode and much simmering down* I'm sorry.

Sta-wiz: Don't worry child. You're forgiven. Now that you've chilled, let me ask you a question: Think about your sudden outburst, I see you don't like coming to 'Town A' at 12 P.M., on a Saturday. It's just back then, I know. But why is that so?

Sta-bot: That's correct wiz. Well back then I was overwhelmed by the heat and excruciating humid weather. You can see me sweating non-stop. Moreover, there's this bunch of people strolling around me. It seems like everywhere I go, people are following. Transportation wise, we are all packed like sardines and there is no room space for us to breathe freely. I am conscious of myself.

Sta-wiz: Well, there you go.
___________________________

What's written above is a scenario that shows the underlying answer to the big 'WHY'. In some ways it is similar to the '5-Why Analysis' (except Sta hasn't ask herself 4 more questions HAH)!

To a person who adores Pepe. Kiwiwi, this is for you. Totally relevant but irrelevant, I know. [Source]

Question of the day for all my readers: How do you find your own balance?

Girl whom I missed

She's just a sweet innocent girl

No 

to think that she's growing up

Retrieving lots of information

and movements from her 

surroundings

Oh what a great sight

passionate indigo blue

the remarkable child

Empathetic one

smile as radiant

fresh genuine and smooth

Like a baby

whom outshines that

of another living being

Sort of

always looking out

always concerned

To her friends 

this girl 

is absolutely special 

So distinctive

I will remember her

always

Words I cannot fathom 

upon how grateful I am 

towards her

The wisdom she has

Immersed

and wise beyond age

Yet so pure

and vulnerable

indeed

She is a blessing

an Angel 

gift from the universe

With her ever-so-warm

adorable and affectionate 

gestures with some clumsiness

Now I finally 

learned

understood

The power behind why

things happen for a reason

state beyond transcendence 

Maybe it is the cause and effect

or that every

action has a reaction

But this star

out of a billion others

had impacted me 

You can be creative too!

Side note: This is a Creative 101 session from a "crazily random girl".

Ever had those moments when you felt exceptionally limited? Difficulty forming relevant concepts in your head.

Running out of ideas for a variety of reasons?

Or simply, too tired and lazy for life in general?

Hopefully, this mini habits will help you revive, anticipate and relive your aha moments. Don't forget to "keep on thinking" right? (hey there Life Noggin). Also, you may get your creative juices running again! You are disposing dead brain cells each day, so why not take the chance to feed new information constantly. Sure, you may forget 3/4 of the things you learn in a day. But accumulate that 1/4 of knowledge for a week. You get a wholesome of general goodness!



1) Looking around when commuting.

Bus, train or even on the car... do scrutinize on details inside out. It can be observing the people on board, how new/old the vehicle is, landscape, alignment of buildings, structure, shapes, patterns and even lights. There is always something to look beyond to. Something that will make you ever-so-curious. Consider asking yourself questions like "why does this particular thing happens to be like this?" or "what can I do to find out more about something?".

2) One topic links to another.
Try linking several terms in Geography with Biology, Design with Maths and Language with Arts etc. Everything plays a part in this moving world. Information may be stored in multiple textbooks, trusted websites and videos.


These are just a few Examples.

Geography x Biology

Some people may argue that ecosystem is not really part of Biology. But check out the definition of the subject, and you get this:

"Biology is a natural science concerned with the study of life and living organisms, including their structure, function, growth, evolution, distribution, identification and taxonomy (classification). "

So technically, because ecosystem speaks about a community and physical environment, it serves as an extension to Biology. Ecology from an ecosystem can be defined as a way of interacting with the environment from living organisms. It is also about energy transformation and the cycling of substances.


Design x Maths

In Secondary (high) school, we question ourselves on the value of drawing graphs. We can solve it quickly using algebra and specific formulas, but why the hassle? And why come up with problems that require a must to draw graphs? I created a double-barreled question for myself but all's well.

Drawing graphs not only show statistics, range and trends, but also help designers in their field of work.

One simple question: how do you get a really symmetric shape or logo? By using the graph to plot where you want your lines and curves to be. Exactly!

Another reason why measuring needs to be accurate:

In 1991, there was a computer miscalculation which led to a collapse of a 57 000 ton North Sea Oil platform, Sleipner. The aftermath: the fall triggered a 3.0 earthquake on the Ritcher scale. The failure was caused by a computer glitch in the Nastran software, which was used to calculate the design of the structure. A failed "geometry and inadequate" design, they say.


Language x Arts

Language is an art form and Art is a Language. Lets start off with Art first. It can be categorized into three main groups: Literary, Visual and Performing.

Many a time, language is associated to writing and reading. Hence, it can be grouped under the Literary Art Forms. They include poems, short stories and novels. Anyone can be expressive when speaking or writing.

Other times, it can be Visual, as a form of communication.  Like the poster below.

Source: here 

And you know what, this again correlates back to design (like what was mentioned earlier)!

You are welcome.



3)  Carry a dream-journal.
Not going to deny that tracking dreams can be interesting and funny. You might not fully remember a dream after you wake up. But you can slowly train your mind to be conscious. That is, by repeating and replaying the events in your head. Write them down in your journal afterwards.

I do not write my dream-journal on a daily basis. Days when I write are days when I feel a strong urge to figure out what is going on within, and around me. I gathered that sometimes, my emotions affect my dreams.

There are times when dreams get really incomprehensible. They are random to the extent that humor is on its toll. The most stimulating part is when I get to make my own self-interpretations. And have others guess them.

Source: here

4) Keep logic on par. 
Balancing your creativity with a logical mindset. They work like a machinery; the best of both worlds.

Reasoning logic and thinking critically are some tools that can help you build claims with evidences. Creativity can also support you in making decisions and solving problems.

Something I have learned in one of my modules is: the usage of ethos, pathos and logos. When combined together, they create a relatively persuasive work (can be an essay, poster etc.). Cheers to Aristotle.

Source: here

Some of the best convincing works out there have at least two or more modes of persuasion. In other words, they do not work in isolation.


And lastly...

5) Continue seeking more knowledge and wisdom. 

Education is a powerful tool. Sounds familiar? Hahaha! "You know...I know... (Selena Gomez's "Kill them with kindness")" Okay that was honestly one of the most random add-on in a sentence, ever.

Back to sub-topic. Learning is a lifelong process. There are tons of stuffs out there we don't know. Languages unheard, cultures not practiced and terminologies/phrases not understood - semantic noises.

Sure, some schools might not give you the most "all-rounded" education. At the end of the day, you yourself hold great responsibility for your own well-being. So set your own timing and priorities. Get enthusiastic with touching a topic entirely new to you outside (if you're like me, easily tired of repeating the same routine each day). Try to 'peak it'.

If you ever question(ed) why some subjects are compulsory in school (like me once)... I have a valid answer for you!

These subject either (a) Test on your discipline, patience level to study or (b) Real life-based problem management skills or (c) Simply there because somebody else finds the beauty, and appreciates it like crazy. I mean, I am damn sure you too can be interested in something, no?


I shall end with just five of these unique (maybe not so...) suggestions. Hope yaw are having a whirl of fun my friends. See you!

Equilibrium

Butterflies be pollinating the flower

oh-so-lovely!

With his strong figure

Smooth, fair skin

Delicate features

Double eye-lids

Relatively big eyes

Eurasian appearance

Such an exquisite piece of

well crafted creation from heavens!

On one hand

He deserves this mini fame

In school

Soft smiling eyes

Kind-heart with obedience

Traits certain people want 

That is

If those girlies know him 

Inside out and well

Just like what they said
Every action
Has a reaction

Thought good about himself;
And others;
He attracted goodness!

Differing plans

credits: here 

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." - Dalai Lama

"When one door closes, another opens." - Hellen Keller


I wanted to share an essay I wrote for English class last year.

Topic: What do you consider to be your greatest achievement? Why does it mean so much to you?

I have had several joyous moments in life. My achievements play a huge part in bringing one joy. The greatest achievement I consider having would be getting a leadership role in my CCA (Co-Curricular Activity), choir. I would love to quote out this extract from a book called "The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle: "Deep practice feels a bit like exploring a dark and unfamiliar room. You start slowly, you bump into furniture, stop, think and start again. Slowly and a little painfully, you explore the space over and over, attending to errors, extending your reach into the room a bit further each time, building a mental map until you can move through it quickly and intuitively." Personally, the 'dark' and 'unfamiliar' room here symbolizes the challenges faced during every choir practice.

My eight years in choir, struggling to become an even better person as a whole made me learn a lot about life, how the values cultivated during lessons are equally applicable in the real world. I started off joining choir as a complete newbie, without any music background or knowledge. I still remember my very first day. I was a primary two student, a very anti-social and quiet one with just one or two friends. Looking back, the me then would not have believed how much things changed. Ironically, the mindset I had during my primary school days was the thought of not making it worthwhile in the CCA. Reason being: I found it hard socializing and felt nervous whenever there were sectionals (of any sort). I thought choir was yet another tedious CCA joined to quit afterwards.

Had it not been the encouragement from my loved ones, I would have long discontinued my journey as a choir member. To put it shortly, my parents were hesitant in signing the letter to opt out. They asked me to reconsider before coming to a final decision. Miraculously, I stayed till the end of Primary six. That was when I started feeling emotionally attached to music and singing in particular. I decided to join choir again in Secondary school. It was no doubt I made the best choice in sixteen years of my life. To reinvent myself in a CCA so familiar.

Choir has exposed me to many types of song genres, languages and compositions. I decided to put in more effort at the beginning of my Secondary school life by opening up, making friends and knowing what or how to sing a song well. Basically, I learned values like confidence, teamwork, perseverance and many more. Without taking the risk, I would have always been a turtle inside the shell, never coming out to see the beauty outside, never getting to interact with new faces or even so, never making the connection with music. If I had quit, I would not have had the opportunity to become sectional leader for Soprano Two. I would just be the same old me. No predominant experience of bumping into furniture, stopping, thinking and starting again to extend my reach into the room.

If the younger me were to think of who I am now, it might have completely sounded inane. Life is a battle after all. Each day, I am actually fighting with my inner voice. What really matters to me is the ability to overcome the negative one in my head. Instead of just easily giving up on an interest, I should carry it further by putting in more effort. After all, I do not believe in such terms "efforts gone to a waste" or "achieved nothing at the end" when I do something. I believe that experiences are lessons that will guide us in every situation.


---

I owe y'all and explanation of how my life is now. It is really occupied, to be honest. I have been coming back home pretty late each day because of school. It is fun though. I love taking long train rides, interacting and smiling like there's no tomorrow. That optimism though, eheheheh! I came to realize that there is no point lamenting over things I cannot change.

Polytechnic life has been an eye-opener to me. People from ALL WALKS OF LIFE coming together to attain a higher education. The difference between Secondary and Poly life is that in Poly, there are far more group projects and presentations. Students are free to roam about anywhere during their lunch break. Bring in drinks into the classroom. Express themselves with fashion. Sign up for many activities happening around school. Take initiative to do things. And get to work and talk with different people. Classes change every semester so by the end of the day, I will get to know most of my course mates. Switching classes definitely prevent us from forming cliques/ sticking to the same group of people. That is, if you see it from the positive side.

Everybody is allowed to take part in CCAs (what we call: IGs (interest groups) here). Although they are not compulsory, I insisted myself to take up one for exposure.

Initially, I wanted to join something new. Instead of going back to performing arts, I would like to take part in something sporty. To keep it short, I didn't manage to go for two out of three trials due to some valid reasons. I also failed one trial because I couldn't play decently. Hitting a nerve is no joke. My left side of the inner thigh muscles were basically "dysfunctional". If someone were to observe me carefully (o-hoho), you will see me wobbling. Back at that time, I could be like "what a timing" or "just my luck".

Now that I think of it... it might be the universe calling out to me. A blessing in disguise.

That week was something. Not only am I able to stepped out of my comfort zone, but got to interact with new unseen faces. I wouldn't get opportunities to talk to these faces because they're from other schools at my Poly. We're all 'far away' from one another and don't meet easily on a daily basis.

I also attended an open singing class, as prompted by some of my current classmates. That was unknowingly a life-changing game; a new evolving plan for me. I had this sudden feel to try out for an audition because I really enjoyed the class, and the vibes from some people there. Fast-forward: I got in. I got into my school's a capella group! I fairly think it was partially because of my experience in choir (which I am beyond appreciative of, by the way).

I hope I get my point across for this post. I linked my current life situation to the essay I wrote (and am proud of) a year back. Just so to let y'all know that there is always a plan for you, though it might not seem obvious. Even if expectations don't meet the reality, the reality could still be someone else's dream. Yes, you are living someone else's dream!  If you continued engaging in a sport for example, please know that not everybody is fortunate enough as you to land themselves into a team at large.

Calista & her singing journey part III - 8 years+ and counting.

Taking off.

Not that I want it to be

My tears are always frozen
I can see the air I breathe
Got my fingers painting pictures
On the glass in front of me
Lay me by the frozen river
Where the boats have passed me by
All I need is to remember
How it was to feel alive - Aurora

Honestly, the more I think about something, the more unsure I get. And so it concludes, I shouldn't think too much. Worrying too much for the future doesn't help.

But its hard.

Thoughts are ever-flowing. Its not like I can be completely in control. Awakening and then sleeping back. The repetition.

I get weary. And at times stony. Its 'funny' when I have those monotonous, tedious days.

Fear that stops me from going on. Hence, the lack of ideas; artist's block.

I can think to the point that I stopped thinking.


Do you ever feel that way too?

To all my juniors.... (3/3)

School days don't last

Imagine sitting down in a classroom full of students. Imagine us wearing a school uniform. Imagine teachers (oh adults...those we want to become (and will eventually)) teaching and scolding us. Imagine feeling young and then old at times. One day, we'll look back at our lives and remember what we did, how we felt while we were younger.

Hello Sta's fellow youngsters...

Make the best out of your YOUTH. Because small (but fun and energetic) details during your young days conclude the whole picture. After all, it is part of your journey.

I know its hard to wake up early each day, just to attend classes. And hear lectures. The "endless" cycle repeats itself. Tedious. On a bright side, you can interact with people from different walks of life. Share moments with your favorite peers (and perhaps...teachers) too.

Let me give you some "big-sis (actually self proclaimed ahaha) advice": Set your mobile phone alarm to a desired ringtone. That way, you can wake up to your favorite music. Oh... and make sure the volume is not too low. Just moderately loud enough for you to hear.

Once you stepped out of your house... look forward to things that excite you. Seek inspiration. Observe your surroundings, they are ever changing. Look directly into the eyes of people (with a slight but not too dramatic smile). At least such things keep your flame burning.

-

365 and approximately a quarter days in a year. At least one third of which are taken up by off-days (as in weekends, public and school holidays). Maybe you have to go back to school even on those days. But c'mon! Be a conqueror, you are already a strong person. Keep it going. You are getting there.

After all, no matter how many complaints you have for it, school can be quite enriching. Nobody can possibly stay home for 24/7 each day, every day. That will not only be detrimental for both physical and mental health, but also prevent you from conversing face-to-face with others.

What makes you so sure you are going to stay focused at home for long? You need to get out there and explore! Some things are better off doing on the spot. With guidance. Getting Practical. Right.

You will only miss school once you're out of it. Seriously.



Everybody wants to get recognized. Recognize yourself first. 

People want to get recognized for their efforts. Either way, we all seek attention sometimes. We want to get understood. We want affection. Maybe its our ego, or our second nature.

Obviously, adolescence isn't just a replacing word for teenage years. It defines the transitional period of being a child to becoming an adult. Puberty. A time where great confusion comes. A time where we want to take drastic actions on creating our identities.

One main advice big sister (I meant myself :p) would like to give you is: listen to your soul; your mind and heart. Be your greatest version - Ralph Smart (favorite spiritual person). Feel good for yourself, not for others. When I say that, I don't mean it to be in an arrogant way. Of course you can be humble towards others, and yet love yourself at the same time.

Not EVERYONE will understand you and your good intentions. Some may even make you feel shitty. But that's their problem, not yours. Focus on things that matter instead.

We all deal with our own internal conflicts. We all have personal problems. We can be quite emotional at times. We use logic to seek truth. And sometimes, creativity. Completely normal, I would say.



We are learning from one another. Learning is lifelong.

I think nobody is dumb at all. In this world. On planet Earth. We grow from our surroundings, the people who taught us and of course..out of our own curiosity.

//COPIED// "The American poet, Walt Whitman, once wrote, “I am large, I contain multitudes.”We have hundreds of layers. These layers shift and blend. They form new permutations every day.We like this and we don’t like that. We are good at this and we are bad at that. We’ve been here and not there. We know this and we don’t know that. For this reason, and this reason alone, we can’t give up. The complexity of our character means there will never be another us. Ever. That’s incredibly precious.
What are we going to create from us?" Source: here

That's a really strong description. Don't y'all think? Thought-provoking too.

We all do things with varying paces and rhythm. Maybe we might not be as good as others in some areas, but we definitely can take in a thing or two from them! Have faith in yourself. Put yourself to get taught first, before teaching others. 

The things you know might not be known to others... Similarly, what others know might not be known to you. Each day we are communicating and exchanging information. We are sort of reminding each other about life in general. Well, minus your own state of solitary (in all spiritual means). That is different.

One more thing....Grades (even IQ scores), do not validate your intelligence level my friend. Given the circumstances of where you work and how much effort you put into it, your results may vary. Whatever it is, just try your best. I'm sure that's what your teachers will tell you as well!



Awareness to/of your being. 

Oh... here's a random note I typed out on my phone a couple of weeks ago:

One day I got tired. Tired of being frequently angry towards my love-ones. Without finding out the root to the problem. 

And hence....

What triggered me to be moody (the possibilities), A Sta Fey guide:

The weather, the temperature, my outfit, my thought on what others think of me (lovely, cute brain indeed). And needless to say, my lack of confidence. Surprisingly, days like this usually fall before my period aka the time of the month. See? Like what I said earlier...chemical imbalances. *laughing*

To put it bluntly, being aware means accepting people for people, things for things. You are conscious of your thoughts. You are being mindful.

Be in the present, be in tune. Try to nurture yourself before handling anything else.


*TO END OFF - before this post gets tremendously long....


You are in power to choose what energy you want to have around.

Pretty self-explanatory on this one, yeah?


Have a brilliant day souls! :'D

To all my juniors.... (2/3)

Seeking comfort in darkness/ external influences
We tend to see lots of content online. Be it Tumblr, Pinterest or any webpage. Opinions are stated (just like my blog, for instance...you don't need to agree with everything I say). We tend to get drawn away by how others are feeling. Their sadness, anger and hurt may become ours.

Not making any sense to you guys?

Basically, we fall prey to our emotions. There are lots of things going on outside. Sometimes, we see and hear too much. From news. From rumors. From little conversations and rants. We store those information to....yeah you guessed it....the brain!

Sure. Those hurt, constant unrest and fear are going about in the world. What can we do about it?

Sending prayers to all humans out there... why not? But what else can we do?

Worrying or feeling sympathetic for long doesn't make anything better.

Put everything away and hear our inner voices - the conscience. Nature can be our best friend. Instead of distracting ourselves with what we cannot change, why not take this time to reflect on the brighter side of things? What we can do with ourselves instead. After all, what can we do about others when we can't even control our existence well?

Bullying/ Gossiping

We might be culprits, victims and witnesses to it. Whichever the case, we all know that bullying is a form of showing weakness. Dragging someone down because of our own insecurities do not make us powerful. True power lies within those who are aware of themselves.

I think I have mentioned this before... I have experienced people talking about me, making false accusations everywhere. Yes, they do not make me feel good at all. I was a sensitive, kind of emotional, shy and quiet kid in school. I got weird stares from people... like " is she even okay?". Got to witness people telling their friends not to befriend me just because I looked different. I know those incidents happened quite some time ago (got so much better now...), but these little fragments of hurt do struck me at times. Making my self-esteem drain a little each time. I get secretly 'assumptious' when people whisper in front or behind me.

What I want to cover for this topic is that sure... people can speak whatever they want, be it true or untrue. They always talk about every single thing we do. They have words for everything, almost. But hey, both you and I are part of the crowd. We do have moments when we hurt someone before, even if it wasn't intentionally.

We all could have been what I mentioned - culprits, victims and witnesses of bullying. Even so, personally, I am trying to regain my own confidence and stay away from toxic conversations. You can too. 

I am sure bullying still happens during adulthood. In a more "advanced" way. Words/phrases like "backstabbing" and "having an agenda" exist for a reason. To keep your conscience or not...it is really up to you.

To all my juniors....(1/3)

( A personal post on becoming Sta Fey )

Honestly, this is also what I will tell my younger self. I know I am still erm... a youth but you get what I meant!

You are growing up. This journey can be tough. It can be long and mentally-draining. But you will get there. You will start figuring out who you are, start differentiating what is good and bad for you. You might hit rock bottom at some points, but that's okay because at the end of the day, you realized how strong you are to have overcome obstacles.

You will get a clearer view on how this world actually functions. Meet new faces, interact and then lose some friends, childhood friends. Parts and parcel of living.

Right now, I just want to share. I have this strong urge to write about my life as Calista F Mar. Things I experienced and felt along my Primary (7-12 y/o) and Secondary (13-16 y/o) journey. I am sure some of y'all will share something similar as me. Some might have it better, some might have it worse.

Personal Affairs
Choose your subject combination wisely. I don't know what your friends or parents or teachers tell you, but you are the one deciding for your future.

For my case, I chose what I feel passionate about. Subjects like Elective Literature and Art. Don't get me wrong, choosing those subjects never made my life easier. In fact, I have to spend more time on Art because of its loooong exams and preparations. But I never regretted my choice. I was ready under all circumstances. I remembered the day before submitting my subject combination, was nervous as hell. Months past, I felt more determined for Art than ever. After having conflicts with my teacher (I know she was concerned). after fighting my own inner-doubts, after crying over it during class. I think that is what passion is like? Sweat. Tears. Determination.

I honestly did have my bottom lows when it comes to upper secondary school life. Maybe twice as many as that of when I was younger. There was a point I nearly went to seek counselling myself but didn't. Funny thing, I actually called their hotline and talked to them. But didn't head down to the place they directed... I wanted to derive at a solution myself. A solution that will overcome my own obstacles.

There was a point I felt really deflated, depressed about everything. I thought I wasn't doing up to par. With me being a human, with me associating with all others. I was falling. Days like these were a complete daze. I felt the need to reconnect with myself. I was stuck. But I never wrote it online. I thought I will only express it when I am officially out of secondary school. Which I am right now.

Things mentioned above... I know I am not the only one, many of my schoolmates I saw, and heard....might also be coming to a phase whereby breakdowns can be quite frequent. We have more moody days. Hormonal changes? Maybe. Getting pressured from external influences? Entering adulthood? Maybe.

Earth is round, so are our daily routines, which is a cycle.
Yeah sure. I am bewildered by this realization. Emotions are energy in motion. Happiness, sadness, love, hate... they come and go, come and go. Just like how we breathe - exhale, inhale. 

The ever-flowing thoughts we have or have had. Sometimes we remember them, but other times? We forget them. Only to recall them later. And so forth.

I think thinking itself is really tiring (that is, if we do it excessively). We tend to build up those little concepts in our head. Running wild internally. I would rather take a nap than to build up irrelevant and "harmful" thoughts in my head.

To be continued...

The not pretty side of me

I woke up with
mucus and dust
dry face and never glam

Messy bed sheets
Tossed whatever

Fallen strands of hair
Dead skin cells
excessive bits from my body

Unwanted litter
used tissue papers and plastic cutlery
thrown into the bin


I woke up with
mucus and dust
dry face and never glam

Messy bed sheets
Tossed whatever

I eat
but not always healthy
just to fill my stomach

Sometimes
there are visible sweat stains
on my shirt and under my pits


I woke up with
mucus and dust
dry face and never glam

Messy bed sheets
Tossed whatever

These emotions
causing an outbreak
never pleasant

Using my five senses
only to know
I am overusing them afterwards


Each day the cycle repeats
I can never get tired of it
to look presentable for the world

Maintaining good hygiene
Looking at others the same

Are you not part of this yet
Come join the team
We are all a hot mess

The movie: Inside Out

"They said "stay nice, stay innocent" when you were younger. 
But for how long?
If time was that definite, what is there to worry about?
About its limitations, and not making the best out of it?
I doubt so."

We are getting older each day. It might not be visible at this exact moment, but we are.

About a month ago, I watched Inside Out and enjoyed it. It holds great values about growing up and all. I don't need to further elaborate, do I? Some of y'all might have watched it, got emotional and even moved to tears. For those who haven't, don't worry I ain't gonna 'spoil' y'all.

Picture source: here 

Basically, I like how each emotion is portrayed in a both good and bad way. Its like how glory and gore goes hand in hand (well thanks Lorde...). Characters like Sadness and the main girl in the movie are pretty well-rounded, in my opinion. The animation? Well, I would credit how real life characteristics from people were well explored. Pixar almost always amaze me. Overall take in from Inside Out would be: to accept that growing up and getting exposed to changes is all part of everyone's lives. It is okay to breakdown at times, it doesn't mean one's weak. It is also okay to have mixed feelings.

I mean come on...look at this image below as an example...

I saw it online and liked the concept. Source already stated gahahaha! But actually, that table reminds me of a Punnett Square I learned during Biology lessons in school. Except that it is not entirely a square but a rectangle. And it is not genetically linked. *Laughing at self*


Hmm...how about when you are meditating?

My guess: emotions might be quite translucent. Transparent even if you are really achieving enlightenment.

Just another short post.
Enjoy your week!

Nothingness

One day when I'm too "lazy"....

I am not my name,  nor a word or number.
These little thoughts inside my head,
they come and go.

There are forces swirling around me,  so human.

When I feel too much,  I know it is beyond extreme.

Beyond extreme makes someone goes out of his/her mind.

What can I say.. Actual peace can be obtained without losing the mind,  that is to not think anything toxic,  or anything at all. 

But not thinking at all is hard,  so human.

You see I am repeating the process over and over again.

Life is clearly like that.

Each day humans make contact with one other,  only to chastise their own form.

They compete with looks,  intelligence, ideologies and expressions when what there really is fundamentally is the brain,  heart and other working organs.

You see.. A figure that pumps blood and relies on oxygen can carry such a heavy burden called "opinions".

There it goes, words like "superiority" and "inferiority" are formed.

Side note: please don't hold a grudge against me.  Please don't get offended. I'm like you.

Dear Shallow

Heart thumping
Music beating
Synchronized into one.

Me time! Me time!

Thoughts aside,  now all I see
Is the ceiling.

Too tired to feel.
Or should I say care?
Call for rest.

Shallow,

Can time stop?
No it is an illusion.
Something that unstoppably
goes tick tock tick tock
Or is It just the clock?

The rate it goes,
make my heart
follow through as well.

Shallow,

Are people true?
This the heavens know.
Or do they exist
right this moment
And so do I?

All I know is that
the way we live
is a climax.

Shallow,

What is energy?
Do we not see them
but feel them
indeed indeed
Are we forces?

The vortex of
concentrated power
magic lies within.

The music's
blasting right now.

Shallow,

My soul is soaring
high high!

1 A.M. and help

"Oh, what can I do?
Nothing, my sparrow blue
Oh, what can I do?
Life is beautiful but you don't have a clue
Sun and ocean blue
Their magnificence, it don't make sense to you" -  Lana's "black beauty"

When you really think about it, the MAJOR thing that causes you to be upset are those endless thoughts running behind your head. 

Whatever you are thinking,  you are 99% right.  "What can I do? How can I help myself from feeling shitty?" Really, stop thinking. Meditate. Well,  research on what meditation is. It comes in slightly different forms.

Yes yes... you may say I don't understand. But look at where I've come. From being laughed and gossiped at when I was younger, getting disliked just because what...I seemed very quiet and show weird expressions...,  from having difficulty expressing myself, from feeling a million of feelings that were hard to overcome at that time...overthinking and losing hope etc etc. I am proud of myself now; I can sincerely say that. Its because of these difficult situations that made me stronger as a person. We all have it rough. But then again, there are people who had it worse. But they still managed to get out of it. You can too. That is, if you let those negative bars placed inside your mind set free. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Not in a complacent way of course.

Take a nap. Sleep well. Eat healthy. Love your body. What you eat is what makes you.  You are putting nutrients inside your body for functional purposes. To carry on till death naturally sets you away from this life.

Good day y'all.

This or that, this and that #HappinessCP

As of today's new lessons.

- Don't "judge" too quickly, you never know much about the other person just yet.

- Labels are not as simple and straightforward as they seem. "Innocent", "good", "bad"- wow hahahaha!

- Get to know a person more,  there's always room for extended views/ wisdom and knowledge.

- The person might turn out to be much more interesting than you think!

- Try to see the good in where a person is coming from.

- Living is also something like: today you learn/ take in something,  tomorrow you might forget about it. But a few days later,  you got reminded of It again.

- What you know,  others might know too.  Put that ego aside. Acceptance.

- Feel that contentment in your stomach.

Perception of beauty

Recently, there has been this "challenge" going on online. The "don't judge" challenge: hashtags everywhere. This challenge was brought to us by a beauty blogger with a good purpose (initially). The main objective of this challenge? To uncover the beauty underneath our makeup or anything we apply on our faces. To not feel ashamed with ourselves. After it has gone viral, many others started doing it as well. Some tried to be FUNNY. They tried turning their video the other way round... As a result, tweaking the whole intention of the challenge. This created a controversy. Don't worry, I am not going into details on how I feel about this whole "don't judge" thing. Instead, it makes me reflect more on what "beauty" is as a whole

Maybe the first thing we noticed about a person is his/her appearance. That is fine. Harsh truth accepted. But seriously... is there a definite "oh-what-a-absolutely-pretty-or-handsome-face"? I don't think so. What we see in others might not be seen the same by another person. Our impressions truly vary. Just like my brother and me... we tend to disagree with each other's views sometimes. He is looking from a certain perspective while I am looking from another. A person is looking at the elephant's trunk while another's looking at its tail. (Oh I got that from my current Social studies teacher). 

credits: here

image source: here

The more "exciting" thing about society's perception of beauty, to generalize, is that it is ever-changing. Look back at art paintings from a century back, the standard of beauty is 'different' from what we have in contemporary art now. Such a movement. Look at how each culture "define" what beauty is to them. Or how each era changes. Do we still want to label what "pretty face" is? Oh or will it last? No. After all, we will still get older each day. With wrinkles and white, graying hair. That's when we realize that looks are not everything. And that yes...it comes from within too.

I was thinking about what makes people define words like "beautiful", and thought about early childhood. We grew up from our surroundings and influence. Especially from the things we saw and heard. Like sponges, we absorb them in. (learned that from Michelle Phan). We often see a pattern of same human features being commercialized - V shaped face/ defined jawline, high cheekbones, pulpy lips, light/tan skin etc etc. Gradually, some of us think that those are what makes a person "go far". That those are what "good looking" is all about. Hence, try to stray away from who we are. 

But then again, what will the world be if everyone looks the same...V shaped face/ defined jawline, high cheekbones, pulpy lips,  light/tan skin etc etc.? Much harder. At least for me. At this point, I hope no one got the wrong idea. As in, I am not discouraging things like plastic surgery or cosmetics. Yes, if those things makes YOU confident in person, if those decisions truly comes from within YOU, and only you... then go ahead! Words and opinions from others should not affect you. What I was trying to imply is how you should already feel great under your own skin, and to embrace yourself. 

After all, things we see from our eyes could just be an illusion in time. Ever had this moment when a person appears just average at first. And then boom...you slowly see the beauty in his/her looks? 

I thought I would love to share the picture below:

1) Stare at the 3 colored dots on her nose for 20 seconds.

2) Look away to her right side (the white blank).

3) Do you see her in a new light? Now thank you brain.

credits: here