Encircling dreams

"When was the last time you did something for the first time?" 
"If not now, then when?" 
"Do something your future self will thank you for now." 

Three significant quotations to consider; the guiding principles Sta seeks this year.
These past few months has been rather different for Sta. Her being unorthodox, unconventional and too unpredictable a person, she decided to hop around (again), to explore several new things.

Now one downside to having many interests is that Sta is prone to committing more errors. Her attention span on things are kind of  'all over the place'.

First of all, she tweaked her direction - her course of study. She made a swap from being a Management student, to a Technical one. Ya know... get a little more practical on topics that entice her.

On top of that, she joined her school's Dragon Boat. This was how she got introduced to the gym lifestyle in general. New human figures to learn from. Oh, and more about herself too! It was never smooth-sailing. Definitely not all rainbows and unicorns (hah). She was taught to be more discipline, and the most prominent thing would be for her to be a better team-player. Or so she tried.

Maybe Sta was a spoiled brat before. Now she compensates. Action speaks louder than words. She realized the overwhelming support she gets from her family members and friends throughout these years. All the privileges and luxuries she has/ has had here. Very honored by the way.

Count this a 'rites of passage'. A way to make her grow both mentally and physically.

Blue Red

Life lesson update episode unknown. ;P


Not being delusional when I say that.. But I am someone who stems towards the great human potential:

- In rare cases, OBEs (Out of Body Experiences) do exist, after all. Maybe your angels are somewhere out there, looking out for you. The angel can be an unseen force of nature. This is "to each their own". To contextualized it, some theories could be explained artistically, philosophically, religiously and scientifically. Depending on each varying predicament we are in, or had been. Do good, at least you won't feel bad about it.

- Hell can annoyance be interlinked with care and concern. If there is something I can strongly resonate with this year, it would be agreeing on the fact that love and hate are both feelings. Many a time, I could think ill and positive about some random dude out there. I may have released my inner woes by gossiping about that person, keyword: may have. But you know what? Within a few days I am fairly much well and chirpy again. This means I have no more issues with him/her. It was just that short period of time I felt unsatisfied with his/her attitude towards things. Such a blinking light bulb you are, Calista.

- Coincidences can be a rather beautiful thing. Take it this way, the universe does send people at the right time, for reasons undefined. They may be there to make an impact on you, or there to teach you lessons. The given time frame could be long or short, but that is completely okay. What's substantial is the process; how every action you take has a reaction. If it its meant to be, it will be. Avoid taking things too literally, it does not serve our mental health well.



*PS. This post is very Spirituality based. I'm not particularly diving into the science aspect of humanity (as you can see). I mean c'mon, y'all must've already read through your Biology and Chemistry books - knowing a thing or two about how the body work wonders.


To end off:

Figure Eighteen

Butterfly with its wings flapping wide open;
Flutters and sparks fly;
The knowing and reenactment with thyself;


I am finally eighteen. In layman terms, I am legitimately legal. It is my time to shine (I guess).

I have mixed feelings about that.

On one side, I am glad I could make decisions for myself. On another, I feel like there's a heavy responsibility weighing down against me. Is this how entering adulthood feels like? I mean yes, dealing with all kinds of people, paying the bills, learning new things each day.... but how about my mental capabilities - how much can I handle to be deemed as 'strong'?


I wish I could transcend both physically and spiritually.


Happy Belated Birthday to Sta Fey. 


The people who played a part on this day, you guys are appreciated. I love every single one of you! *Virtual Hugs*

Classmates who celebrated with me.
People who wished on social media platforms.
Family members who came down for dinner.


Blessed is Sta Fey. Even from the slightest details like physiological needs. Passing the magic around and about. X

Insomnia

I could whine about the weather; the set-up; my conflicting, backfiring plans; my doubts; worries and concerns. The list of excuses could go on for eternity (not literally). But you know what? This is an outlet where I try to sort and rewire my brain. Jot the relevant things down so I could organize and straighten myself out. Writing can be a form of therapy after all, my friends.

The game plan has changed. Not only am I growing up and realizing a lot of things, I kind of feel remotely stand-offish from my original values and priorities. What I meant from this statement is that I am ever-changing, forever evolving and re-equipping. Intuitively, I sense the big shift happening. It has started since 3 years ago.

They say everyone's timing vary, now I know what they meant. As much as I call myself an early bloomer, I would call myself a late bloomer too. Many things in life are just a build-up from one thing to another. Like the swirls and spirals you make while paddling on water, or just simply counting the number of thoughts we have within one minute - they come..go,. come back again..and go.

I am a fucking little girl, entering adulthood. One of those 'spoiled' child you see, being thrown into a vast world.  Somehow I have to wake up from this dream of indulging in luxuries and privileges. As much as my ego cannot accept that (and is hushing me to stop conveying words and expressions), I want to show that raw part of human nature, such vulnerabilities.

A shameless selfie to top it all off.

See you, I am currently an irregular on this site.

La Vie en Rose

The other day, Qilah Rose and I finally met up at Harbourfront after what seems like forever.
Maybe it was a typical girls-day-out, you say.
It was a rather eventful day. We hopped around all the way to town.

This is a friendship full of light conversations, shopping, style pictures, not to mention... fun. Qils will agree.

This is a girl who is very photogenic. Someone who inspires me with fashion and music; who brings her 'inner-blonde' out. The continuous passion she has for what she does, it is terrific!



Lets top this post off with a silly (more like me) picture of us, heh.

Pass the love around: Summation of 2016

"I am blogging (yet again) when I should be studying.

Just recently, the whole 'terror thing' happened. Whenever such news struck, we feel pity, sorry, anger and even disgust for the unrest and loss of lives. There is devastation everywhere, which makes me ponder...

There is always somebody out there destroying something.

There is always someone who's bound to go against and beyond authorities.

There is always someone that's going to tweak things. Flip logic. Play dirty.

Someone unsatisfied, not happy with the current times. 

Something is created, and then being torn down.

Something so unexpected can happen.

And the vicious cycle repeats itself."

________

The words above were written by me ages ago (as if), when certain places in the world were raided. Not going in-depth into the these locations, y'all are free to guess. Hint: I wrote it somewhere earlier last year (2016). 

I know this cyberspace has been neglected lately. This ever so "opinionated", sometimes subjective, both factual and non-factual site. After all, what's the purpose of a personal page right? I get to immerse myself into literally anything! Heh. 

How's it out there in reality, you asked. 

It would be a complete lie if I said nothing was going on. I can barely manage my own time at hand - in school and at home. Some of my classmates are way better at handling tasks and people. I admit I am still learning from them. They never fail to entice me. Their POVs and mine, wow Sta... great soft skills going on there.. /since when did I find such trivial statements like this humorous/. 



I came back now only because:

- It is the long holidays! I am done with my Freshman year in Polytechnic. Lots of things took place. 2016 was by far the most thrilling and eye-opening year. I have had my fair share of ups and downs. Talk about daily energy and interactions, my tank is pretty much drained.

-  This space has mostly been on my mind. After all, I started doing this thing since childhood, more precisely at age ten. No doubt I missed posting here frequently.

- I have not had much motivation and drive earlier. Decreasing my hours of sleep and getting tired easily due to commitments. I am sure many of you out there (whichever age categories you guys fall under), can relate to this. You procrastinate, your productivity level dwindles. A new bad habit forms.

- Me failing two modules at the start of Semester 2 was very alarming. I only managed to make a comeback at the end of this year. Ditch having to re-module, ditch that. I have proved that there is so much room for improvement, earthlings!  /Proud Calista tapping herself on the shoulder/

MAIN HIGHLIGHTS

What I focused on mainly for the past year, was to give myself as much exposure as possible. That was when I took 'stepping out of one's own comfort zone' at play.

From taking part in school camps, orientation programs to trying out some Interest Groups. I came to the school, not knowing anyone from my course. It took me some while to adjust to a completely new surrounding.

I have probably embarrassed myself several times along the journey. But you know what? These are the moments I will look back upon and laugh. I figured what my incapability is, and yet at the same time, recognized how strong-willed I am.

And here's me chilling after all the upturn of events. Ps. Sandy shoes 

In retrospect to my earlier post here on "Differing Plans", I have long needed to update my progress - I signed off from my A'capella Interest Group. That happened before Semester 2 commenced. One reason was because of time constraint. I realized I overestimated myself in that aspect. With that being said, I am not going to explain myself further. I have already wrote what I needed to in a separate email to the in-charges.. Friends, you can approach me personally!

Have to admit, still... that I have no regrets joining it in the first place. If anything, I did enjoy myself. Got to takeaway what A'capella is, then enforcing camaraderie within the assigned group itself.

Urbanites started off shaky, each individual having a slightly different temperament and taste in music. It took us some while to coordinate and blend. With the help and effort from our supervisors, seniors and fellow IG mates. Kind of felt the family energy lying about.

Rish & I as the full version of Hazy and Ezyan's "friend zone" sign. Eheh! All picture credits goes to our senior Naddy. 

Here's to the classmates I have embarked my first year in Poly with. You guys are a pretty rowdy bunch! Haha! I have said what I needed on other social media platforms.

Here's to my family and friends (both in and out of school) for the immerse love, care and support. I may not be the best, but thank you for tolerating the nonsensical thyself.

Here's also to people whom I talked with very seldom now, thank you for the memories. We may not have the opportunity to forge deeper bonds, but at least we connected.

Here's to people who may have picked out the flaws in me, I know I have them. At some point I may seem distant and fake to you, and I am not going to put that in denial. Instead, I accept them solely as they are. Please hear my apologies. Also, I hope yaw are having fun.

Lastly, here's to all for making me learn and grow. I guess I am getting out little by little from my princess tendencies.

Cheers and all the best to a new year (erm technically a 'new SCHOOL year').

My Pledge; Sta Fey's Pledge

Two egos working together
One an alter-ego
Always shaping
always reforming
always running wild with thoughts

Sta
I plead you to keep your inner-child
for it will support you
And withstand you
From the ruthless world outside
from the dirty bad devils
from the paradox itself

Fey
Continue initiating ideas
Seeking knowledge and wisdom
Seeing beauty amidst the
Not-so-pretty things
not treachery lives
no words can sum up

Allow yourself
to make mistakes
to fail
to hurt

After all
this is a test
a race
a lesson
a chronology

You are encouraged
To bring abundance
Into the garden
blossoming with fragrance
exuding beams
of fog and clarity alike

Continue learning
to move forward
to reinvent yourself

T&O: Balance

Hey y'all, what comes into your mind when you think of the word "balance"?

Personally, I think of a number of things. In fact, I think of possibly everything.

The strive to achieve equilibrium; it starts from a thing as simple as checking your own food intake - whether you have taken in too much or too little glucose (sugar) and sodium into your body. Be it taking prescribed drugs, or drinking liquor, the last thing you want is to overdose yourself. Water and fire can also be a foe when they are in excess. Yes, all (or most) things require conditioning.

Despite all these precautions, ONE thing is for sure: IT IS HARD TO FIND THE BALANCE.

We all struggle to find it at times. We never find it, we compromise and barely try to narrow a bunch of listings down.   (Now shush Fey, don't get brutal and hurt others)

.

Balance can be associated with other subsistence like numbers and symbols. Remember the ever-so-famous Algebraic Manipulation? There is a standard way to find the 'x'. Firstly, you correct your own thinking. That is, by equipping yourself with relevant formulas (and how they are formed). Then take baby steps in matching the left side of the equation to the right, before deriving at the answer. 

How about cognitive processes Calista? Hmm... good question. Let me talk a bit about the effectiveness of using complex thinking. First off, when facing a mind-boggling problem, try finding the root cause of it. If it is bothering you too much, come up with ways to tackle it, worrying and over-exerting pressure will only torment you further. 

But how? Okay buddy, relax. I am not going to give any immediate solution(s) and what-nots (that would be utterly useless). Not oblige to do that anyways. This very post, the one you are reading with your own keen eyes, is going to be undoubtedly suggestive. 

Try uncovering the factors that contribute to the problem first. After all, these little parts create the whole picture. Join them together if they are related. This can be as simple as asking yourself why you feel in a certain way.



Fictional scenario 1 (with mildly fictional characters and place)

Sta-bot: F@%^!$%@! Argh... dammit I'm pissed.

Sta-wiz (comforter):  Why are you infuriated, my dear?

Sta-bot: Idk, I just... I don't like coming to this place at this time. Regrets!

Sta-wiz (comforter): But honey what can you do about it? /talks all-round like a mama/

Sta-bot: Sheesh, you are not helping any further. Why did I even follow your here!!

*Now, at this point of time, the opposite party can lit up and spark a fire, aka argument. But no.*

*continues*

Sta-wiz (comforter): Oh no no Sta... You just don't go about pointing fingers at another living being.

Sta-bot: *After a dramatic episode and much simmering down* I'm sorry.

Sta-wiz: Don't worry child. You're forgiven. Now that you've chilled, let me ask you a question: Think about your sudden outburst, I see you don't like coming to 'Town A' at 12 P.M., on a Saturday. It's just back then, I know. But why is that so?

Sta-bot: That's correct wiz. Well back then I was overwhelmed by the heat and excruciating humid weather. You can see me sweating non-stop. Moreover, there's this bunch of people strolling around me. It seems like everywhere I go, people are following. Transportation wise, we are all packed like sardines and there is no room space for us to breathe freely. I am conscious of myself.

Sta-wiz: Well, there you go.
___________________________

What's written above is a scenario that shows the underlying answer to the big 'WHY'. In some ways it is similar to the '5-Why Analysis' (except Sta hasn't ask herself 4 more questions HAH)!

To a person who adores Pepe. Kiwiwi, this is for you. Totally relevant but irrelevant, I know. [Source]

Question of the day for all my readers: How do you find your own balance?

Girl whom I missed

She's just a sweet innocent girl

No 

to think that she's growing up

Retrieving lots of information

and movements from her 

surroundings

Oh what a great sight

passionate indigo blue

the remarkable child

Empathetic one

smile as radiant

fresh genuine and smooth

Like a baby

whom outshines that

of another living being

Sort of

always looking out

always concerned

To her friends 

this girl 

is absolutely special 

So distinctive

I will remember her

always

Words I cannot fathom 

upon how grateful I am 

towards her

The wisdom she has

Immersed

and wise beyond age

Yet so pure

and vulnerable

indeed

She is a blessing

an Angel 

gift from the universe

With her ever-so-warm

adorable and affectionate 

gestures with some clumsiness

Now I finally 

learned

understood

The power behind why

things happen for a reason

state beyond transcendence 

Maybe it is the cause and effect

or that every

action has a reaction

But this star

out of a billion others

had impacted me 

You can be creative too!

Side note: This is a Creative 101 session from a "crazily random girl".

Ever had those moments when you felt exceptionally limited? Difficulty forming relevant concepts in your head.

Running out of ideas for a variety of reasons?

Or simply, too tired and lazy for life in general?

Hopefully, this mini habits will help you revive, anticipate and relive your aha moments. Don't forget to "keep on thinking" right? (hey there Life Noggin). Also, you may get your creative juices running again! You are disposing dead brain cells each day, so why not take the chance to feed new information constantly. Sure, you may forget 3/4 of the things you learn in a day. But accumulate that 1/4 of knowledge for a week. You get a wholesome of general goodness!



1) Looking around when commuting.

Bus, train or even on the car... do scrutinize on details inside out. It can be observing the people on board, how new/old the vehicle is, landscape, alignment of buildings, structure, shapes, patterns and even lights. There is always something to look beyond to. Something that will make you ever-so-curious. Consider asking yourself questions like "why does this particular thing happens to be like this?" or "what can I do to find out more about something?".

2) One topic links to another.
Try linking several terms in Geography with Biology, Design with Maths and Language with Arts etc. Everything plays a part in this moving world. Information may be stored in multiple textbooks, trusted websites and videos.


These are just a few Examples.

Geography x Biology

Some people may argue that ecosystem is not really part of Biology. But check out the definition of the subject, and you get this:

"Biology is a natural science concerned with the study of life and living organisms, including their structure, function, growth, evolution, distribution, identification and taxonomy (classification). "

So technically, because ecosystem speaks about a community and physical environment, it serves as an extension to Biology. Ecology from an ecosystem can be defined as a way of interacting with the environment from living organisms. It is also about energy transformation and the cycling of substances.


Design x Maths

In Secondary (high) school, we question ourselves on the value of drawing graphs. We can solve it quickly using algebra and specific formulas, but why the hassle? And why come up with problems that require a must to draw graphs? I created a double-barreled question for myself but all's well.

Drawing graphs not only show statistics, range and trends, but also help designers in their field of work.

One simple question: how do you get a really symmetric shape or logo? By using the graph to plot where you want your lines and curves to be. Exactly!

Another reason why measuring needs to be accurate:

In 1991, there was a computer miscalculation which led to a collapse of a 57 000 ton North Sea Oil platform, Sleipner. The aftermath: the fall triggered a 3.0 earthquake on the Ritcher scale. The failure was caused by a computer glitch in the Nastran software, which was used to calculate the design of the structure. A failed "geometry and inadequate" design, they say.


Language x Arts

Language is an art form and Art is a Language. Lets start off with Art first. It can be categorized into three main groups: Literary, Visual and Performing.

Many a time, language is associated to writing and reading. Hence, it can be grouped under the Literary Art Forms. They include poems, short stories and novels. Anyone can be expressive when speaking or writing.

Other times, it can be Visual, as a form of communication.  Like the poster below.

Source: here 

And you know what, this again correlates back to design (like what was mentioned earlier)!

You are welcome.



3)  Carry a dream-journal.
Not going to deny that tracking dreams can be interesting and funny. You might not fully remember a dream after you wake up. But you can slowly train your mind to be conscious. That is, by repeating and replaying the events in your head. Write them down in your journal afterwards.

I do not write my dream-journal on a daily basis. Days when I write are days when I feel a strong urge to figure out what is going on within, and around me. I gathered that sometimes, my emotions affect my dreams.

There are times when dreams get really incomprehensible. They are random to the extent that humor is on its toll. The most stimulating part is when I get to make my own self-interpretations. And have others guess them.

Source: here

4) Keep logic on par. 
Balancing your creativity with a logical mindset. They work like a machinery; the best of both worlds.

Reasoning logic and thinking critically are some tools that can help you build claims with evidences. Creativity can also support you in making decisions and solving problems.

Something I have learned in one of my modules is: the usage of ethos, pathos and logos. When combined together, they create a relatively persuasive work (can be an essay, poster etc.). Cheers to Aristotle.

Source: here

Some of the best convincing works out there have at least two or more modes of persuasion. In other words, they do not work in isolation.


And lastly...

5) Continue seeking more knowledge and wisdom. 

Education is a powerful tool. Sounds familiar? Hahaha! "You know...I know... (Selena Gomez's "Kill them with kindness")" Okay that was honestly one of the most random add-on in a sentence, ever.

Back to sub-topic. Learning is a lifelong process. There are tons of stuffs out there we don't know. Languages unheard, cultures not practiced and terminologies/phrases not understood - semantic noises.

Sure, some schools might not give you the most "all-rounded" education. At the end of the day, you yourself hold great responsibility for your own well-being. So set your own timing and priorities. Get enthusiastic with touching a topic entirely new to you outside (if you're like me, easily tired of repeating the same routine each day). Try to 'peak it'.

If you ever question(ed) why some subjects are compulsory in school (like me once)... I have a valid answer for you!

These subject either (a) Test on your discipline, patience level to study or (b) Real life-based problem management skills or (c) Simply there because somebody else finds the beauty, and appreciates it like crazy. I mean, I am damn sure you too can be interested in something, no?


I shall end with just five of these unique (maybe not so...) suggestions. Hope yaw are having a whirl of fun my friends. See you!

Equilibrium

Butterflies be pollinating the flower

oh-so-lovely!

With his strong figure

Smooth, fair skin

Delicate features

Double eye-lids

Relatively big eyes

Eurasian appearance

Such an exquisite piece of

well crafted creation from heavens!

On one hand

He deserves this mini fame

In school

Soft smiling eyes

Kind-heart with obedience

Traits certain people want 

That is

If those girlies know him 

Inside out and well

Just like what they said
Every action
Has a reaction

Thought good about himself;
And others;
He attracted goodness!

OOTD: Rollin' With Dirt

A Look Through OOTD #1

Follow the sun

its beams

its rays

the warmth

Imagined 

tousled hair

messy days

still lookin' nice

These days

they are

momentary

short-lived

We can't

get em' back

so why not

enjoy now?

Differing plans

credits: here 

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." - Dalai Lama

"When one door closes, another opens." - Hellen Keller


I wanted to share an essay I wrote for English class last year.

Topic: What do you consider to be your greatest achievement? Why does it mean so much to you?

I have had several joyous moments in life. My achievements play a huge part in bringing one joy. The greatest achievement I consider having would be getting a leadership role in my CCA (Co-Curricular Activity), choir. I would love to quote out this extract from a book called "The Talent Code" by Daniel Coyle: "Deep practice feels a bit like exploring a dark and unfamiliar room. You start slowly, you bump into furniture, stop, think and start again. Slowly and a little painfully, you explore the space over and over, attending to errors, extending your reach into the room a bit further each time, building a mental map until you can move through it quickly and intuitively." Personally, the 'dark' and 'unfamiliar' room here symbolizes the challenges faced during every choir practice.

My eight years in choir, struggling to become an even better person as a whole made me learn a lot about life, how the values cultivated during lessons are equally applicable in the real world. I started off joining choir as a complete newbie, without any music background or knowledge. I still remember my very first day. I was a primary two student, a very anti-social and quiet one with just one or two friends. Looking back, the me then would not have believed how much things changed. Ironically, the mindset I had during my primary school days was the thought of not making it worthwhile in the CCA. Reason being: I found it hard socializing and felt nervous whenever there were sectionals (of any sort). I thought choir was yet another tedious CCA joined to quit afterwards.

Had it not been the encouragement from my loved ones, I would have long discontinued my journey as a choir member. To put it shortly, my parents were hesitant in signing the letter to opt out. They asked me to reconsider before coming to a final decision. Miraculously, I stayed till the end of Primary six. That was when I started feeling emotionally attached to music and singing in particular. I decided to join choir again in Secondary school. It was no doubt I made the best choice in sixteen years of my life. To reinvent myself in a CCA so familiar.

Choir has exposed me to many types of song genres, languages and compositions. I decided to put in more effort at the beginning of my Secondary school life by opening up, making friends and knowing what or how to sing a song well. Basically, I learned values like confidence, teamwork, perseverance and many more. Without taking the risk, I would have always been a turtle inside the shell, never coming out to see the beauty outside, never getting to interact with new faces or even so, never making the connection with music. If I had quit, I would not have had the opportunity to become sectional leader for Soprano Two. I would just be the same old me. No predominant experience of bumping into furniture, stopping, thinking and starting again to extend my reach into the room.

If the younger me were to think of who I am now, it might have completely sounded inane. Life is a battle after all. Each day, I am actually fighting with my inner voice. What really matters to me is the ability to overcome the negative one in my head. Instead of just easily giving up on an interest, I should carry it further by putting in more effort. After all, I do not believe in such terms "efforts gone to a waste" or "achieved nothing at the end" when I do something. I believe that experiences are lessons that will guide us in every situation.


---

I owe y'all and explanation of how my life is now. It is really occupied, to be honest. I have been coming back home pretty late each day because of school. It is fun though. I love taking long train rides, interacting and smiling like there's no tomorrow. That optimism though, eheheheh! I came to realize that there is no point lamenting over things I cannot change.

Polytechnic life has been an eye-opener to me. People from ALL WALKS OF LIFE coming together to attain a higher education. The difference between Secondary and Poly life is that in Poly, there are far more group projects and presentations. Students are free to roam about anywhere during their lunch break. Bring in drinks into the classroom. Express themselves with fashion. Sign up for many activities happening around school. Take initiative to do things. And get to work and talk with different people. Classes change every semester so by the end of the day, I will get to know most of my course mates. Switching classes definitely prevent us from forming cliques/ sticking to the same group of people. That is, if you see it from the positive side.

Everybody is allowed to take part in CCAs (what we call: IGs (interest groups) here). Although they are not compulsory, I insisted myself to take up one for exposure.

Initially, I wanted to join something new. Instead of going back to performing arts, I would like to take part in something sporty. To keep it short, I didn't manage to go for two out of three trials due to some valid reasons. I also failed one trial because I couldn't play decently. Hitting a nerve is no joke. My left side of the inner thigh muscles were basically "dysfunctional". If someone were to observe me carefully (o-hoho), you will see me wobbling. Back at that time, I could be like "what a timing" or "just my luck".

Now that I think of it... it might be the universe calling out to me. A blessing in disguise.

That week was something. Not only am I able to stepped out of my comfort zone, but got to interact with new unseen faces. I wouldn't get opportunities to talk to these faces because they're from other schools at my Poly. We're all 'far away' from one another and don't meet easily on a daily basis.

I also attended an open singing class, as prompted by some of my current classmates. That was unknowingly a life-changing game; a new evolving plan for me. I had this sudden feel to try out for an audition because I really enjoyed the class, and the vibes from some people there. Fast-forward: I got in. I got into my school's a capella group! I fairly think it was partially because of my experience in choir (which I am beyond appreciative of, by the way).

I hope I get my point across for this post. I linked my current life situation to the essay I wrote (and am proud of) a year back. Just so to let y'all know that there is always a plan for you, though it might not seem obvious. Even if expectations don't meet the reality, the reality could still be someone else's dream. Yes, you are living someone else's dream!  If you continued engaging in a sport for example, please know that not everybody is fortunate enough as you to land themselves into a team at large.

Calista & her singing journey part III - 8 years+ and counting.

Taking off.

Not that I want it to be

My tears are always frozen
I can see the air I breathe
Got my fingers painting pictures
On the glass in front of me
Lay me by the frozen river
Where the boats have passed me by
All I need is to remember
How it was to feel alive - Aurora

Honestly, the more I think about something, the more unsure I get. And so it concludes, I shouldn't think too much. Worrying too much for the future doesn't help.

But its hard.

Thoughts are ever-flowing. Its not like I can be completely in control. Awakening and then sleeping back. The repetition.

I get weary. And at times stony. Its 'funny' when I have those monotonous, tedious days.

Fear that stops me from going on. Hence, the lack of ideas; artist's block.

I can think to the point that I stopped thinking.


Do you ever feel that way too?

Sta Fey's resolution

As of 02/04/2016 (SG time), Both Sta and Fey agreed to make some amendments in their lifestyle.

• Try to cut short on long-ass sentences. Get straight to the point.
• Be selective of words. Use vocabulary that best conveys an idea. 
• Jump straight into Awakening. 
•  Learn from people who produce results. 
• Also learn from people like their a reflection of the self. 
• Get super motivated AND execute it with actions.
• Talk less. Listen more.

Drifting

These pieces of memories
Together
Parts and parcel of life

When there's euphoria
Comes nostalgia

There's
End to the beginning
Beginning to the end

Thing's don't last
So do some people

Gone are the days
When there's a rendezvous
Great get-together

Time ticks
No use lamenting over it

Something
Once filled with vibrancy
Now turned into complete grey

A hole in the heart
Meant to be mended

We dreamed too much
The castles we built together
Came crashing down

Perhaps if
We can re-progress from here

Exquisite visions
High hopes
Slowly fading

Given in
Umpteen of times

Like a
Stretchable band
Stretched too much

Loses its elasticity
Enervated

Maybe
Things are meant to end
Discontinue

Though
It hurts so bad now

This girl
Still looks forward
To recovery

To more surprising
Days to come

--------

Thank you to people who played a vital role in the past few years of my life. To those who stayed or left, thank you. We created unforgettable memories; sweet and sour ones.  Years and years of coming together.. Now we're going on separate ways. Moving on from here...

To all my juniors.... (3/3)

School days don't last

Imagine sitting down in a classroom full of students. Imagine us wearing a school uniform. Imagine teachers (oh adults...those we want to become (and will eventually)) teaching and scolding us. Imagine feeling young and then old at times. One day, we'll look back at our lives and remember what we did, how we felt while we were younger.

Hello Sta's fellow youngsters...

Make the best out of your YOUTH. Because small (but fun and energetic) details during your young days conclude the whole picture. After all, it is part of your journey.

I know its hard to wake up early each day, just to attend classes. And hear lectures. The "endless" cycle repeats itself. Tedious. On a bright side, you can interact with people from different walks of life. Share moments with your favorite peers (and perhaps...teachers) too.

Let me give you some "big-sis (actually self proclaimed ahaha) advice": Set your mobile phone alarm to a desired ringtone. That way, you can wake up to your favorite music. Oh... and make sure the volume is not too low. Just moderately loud enough for you to hear.

Once you stepped out of your house... look forward to things that excite you. Seek inspiration. Observe your surroundings, they are ever changing. Look directly into the eyes of people (with a slight but not too dramatic smile). At least such things keep your flame burning.

-

365 and approximately a quarter days in a year. At least one third of which are taken up by off-days (as in weekends, public and school holidays). Maybe you have to go back to school even on those days. But c'mon! Be a conqueror, you are already a strong person. Keep it going. You are getting there.

After all, no matter how many complaints you have for it, school can be quite enriching. Nobody can possibly stay home for 24/7 each day, every day. That will not only be detrimental for both physical and mental health, but also prevent you from conversing face-to-face with others.

What makes you so sure you are going to stay focused at home for long? You need to get out there and explore! Some things are better off doing on the spot. With guidance. Getting Practical. Right.

You will only miss school once you're out of it. Seriously.



Everybody wants to get recognized. Recognize yourself first. 

People want to get recognized for their efforts. Either way, we all seek attention sometimes. We want to get understood. We want affection. Maybe its our ego, or our second nature.

Obviously, adolescence isn't just a replacing word for teenage years. It defines the transitional period of being a child to becoming an adult. Puberty. A time where great confusion comes. A time where we want to take drastic actions on creating our identities.

One main advice big sister (I meant myself :p) would like to give you is: listen to your soul; your mind and heart. Be your greatest version - Ralph Smart (favorite spiritual person). Feel good for yourself, not for others. When I say that, I don't mean it to be in an arrogant way. Of course you can be humble towards others, and yet love yourself at the same time.

Not EVERYONE will understand you and your good intentions. Some may even make you feel shitty. But that's their problem, not yours. Focus on things that matter instead.

We all deal with our own internal conflicts. We all have personal problems. We can be quite emotional at times. We use logic to seek truth. And sometimes, creativity. Completely normal, I would say.



We are learning from one another. Learning is lifelong.

I think nobody is dumb at all. In this world. On planet Earth. We grow from our surroundings, the people who taught us and of course..out of our own curiosity.

//COPIED// "The American poet, Walt Whitman, once wrote, “I am large, I contain multitudes.”We have hundreds of layers. These layers shift and blend. They form new permutations every day.We like this and we don’t like that. We are good at this and we are bad at that. We’ve been here and not there. We know this and we don’t know that. For this reason, and this reason alone, we can’t give up. The complexity of our character means there will never be another us. Ever. That’s incredibly precious.
What are we going to create from us?" Source: here

That's a really strong description. Don't y'all think? Thought-provoking too.

We all do things with varying paces and rhythm. Maybe we might not be as good as others in some areas, but we definitely can take in a thing or two from them! Have faith in yourself. Put yourself to get taught first, before teaching others. 

The things you know might not be known to others... Similarly, what others know might not be known to you. Each day we are communicating and exchanging information. We are sort of reminding each other about life in general. Well, minus your own state of solitary (in all spiritual means). That is different.

One more thing....Grades (even IQ scores), do not validate your intelligence level my friend. Given the circumstances of where you work and how much effort you put into it, your results may vary. Whatever it is, just try your best. I'm sure that's what your teachers will tell you as well!



Awareness to/of your being. 

Oh... here's a random note I typed out on my phone a couple of weeks ago:

One day I got tired. Tired of being frequently angry towards my love-ones. Without finding out the root to the problem. 

And hence....

What triggered me to be moody (the possibilities), A Sta Fey guide:

The weather, the temperature, my outfit, my thought on what others think of me (lovely, cute brain indeed). And needless to say, my lack of confidence. Surprisingly, days like this usually fall before my period aka the time of the month. See? Like what I said earlier...chemical imbalances. *laughing*

To put it bluntly, being aware means accepting people for people, things for things. You are conscious of your thoughts. You are being mindful.

Be in the present, be in tune. Try to nurture yourself before handling anything else.


*TO END OFF - before this post gets tremendously long....


You are in power to choose what energy you want to have around.

Pretty self-explanatory on this one, yeah?


Have a brilliant day souls! :'D

To all my juniors.... (2/3)

Seeking comfort in darkness/ external influences
We tend to see lots of content online. Be it Tumblr, Pinterest or any webpage. Opinions are stated (just like my blog, for instance...you don't need to agree with everything I say). We tend to get drawn away by how others are feeling. Their sadness, anger and hurt may become ours.

Not making any sense to you guys?

Basically, we fall prey to our emotions. There are lots of things going on outside. Sometimes, we see and hear too much. From news. From rumors. From little conversations and rants. We store those information to....yeah you guessed it....the brain!

Sure. Those hurt, constant unrest and fear are going about in the world. What can we do about it?

Sending prayers to all humans out there... why not? But what else can we do?

Worrying or feeling sympathetic for long doesn't make anything better.

Put everything away and hear our inner voices - the conscience. Nature can be our best friend. Instead of distracting ourselves with what we cannot change, why not take this time to reflect on the brighter side of things? What we can do with ourselves instead. After all, what can we do about others when we can't even control our existence well?

Bullying/ Gossiping

We might be culprits, victims and witnesses to it. Whichever the case, we all know that bullying is a form of showing weakness. Dragging someone down because of our own insecurities do not make us powerful. True power lies within those who are aware of themselves.

I think I have mentioned this before... I have experienced people talking about me, making false accusations everywhere. Yes, they do not make me feel good at all. I was a sensitive, kind of emotional, shy and quiet kid in school. I got weird stares from people... like " is she even okay?". Got to witness people telling their friends not to befriend me just because I looked different. I know those incidents happened quite some time ago (got so much better now...), but these little fragments of hurt do struck me at times. Making my self-esteem drain a little each time. I get secretly 'assumptious' when people whisper in front or behind me.

What I want to cover for this topic is that sure... people can speak whatever they want, be it true or untrue. They always talk about every single thing we do. They have words for everything, almost. But hey, both you and I are part of the crowd. We do have moments when we hurt someone before, even if it wasn't intentionally.

We all could have been what I mentioned - culprits, victims and witnesses of bullying. Even so, personally, I am trying to regain my own confidence and stay away from toxic conversations. You can too. 

I am sure bullying still happens during adulthood. In a more "advanced" way. Words/phrases like "backstabbing" and "having an agenda" exist for a reason. To keep your conscience or not...it is really up to you.

To all my juniors....(1/3)

( A personal post on becoming Sta Fey )

Honestly, this is also what I will tell my younger self. I know I am still erm... a youth but you get what I meant!

You are growing up. This journey can be tough. It can be long and mentally-draining. But you will get there. You will start figuring out who you are, start differentiating what is good and bad for you. You might hit rock bottom at some points, but that's okay because at the end of the day, you realized how strong you are to have overcome obstacles.

You will get a clearer view on how this world actually functions. Meet new faces, interact and then lose some friends, childhood friends. Parts and parcel of living.

Right now, I just want to share. I have this strong urge to write about my life as Calista F Mar. Things I experienced and felt along my Primary (7-12 y/o) and Secondary (13-16 y/o) journey. I am sure some of y'all will share something similar as me. Some might have it better, some might have it worse.

Personal Affairs
Choose your subject combination wisely. I don't know what your friends or parents or teachers tell you, but you are the one deciding for your future.

For my case, I chose what I feel passionate about. Subjects like Elective Literature and Art. Don't get me wrong, choosing those subjects never made my life easier. In fact, I have to spend more time on Art because of its loooong exams and preparations. But I never regretted my choice. I was ready under all circumstances. I remembered the day before submitting my subject combination, was nervous as hell. Months past, I felt more determined for Art than ever. After having conflicts with my teacher (I know she was concerned). after fighting my own inner-doubts, after crying over it during class. I think that is what passion is like? Sweat. Tears. Determination.

I honestly did have my bottom lows when it comes to upper secondary school life. Maybe twice as many as that of when I was younger. There was a point I nearly went to seek counselling myself but didn't. Funny thing, I actually called their hotline and talked to them. But didn't head down to the place they directed... I wanted to derive at a solution myself. A solution that will overcome my own obstacles.

There was a point I felt really deflated, depressed about everything. I thought I wasn't doing up to par. With me being a human, with me associating with all others. I was falling. Days like these were a complete daze. I felt the need to reconnect with myself. I was stuck. But I never wrote it online. I thought I will only express it when I am officially out of secondary school. Which I am right now.

Things mentioned above... I know I am not the only one, many of my schoolmates I saw, and heard....might also be coming to a phase whereby breakdowns can be quite frequent. We have more moody days. Hormonal changes? Maybe. Getting pressured from external influences? Entering adulthood? Maybe.

Earth is round, so are our daily routines, which is a cycle.
Yeah sure. I am bewildered by this realization. Emotions are energy in motion. Happiness, sadness, love, hate... they come and go, come and go. Just like how we breathe - exhale, inhale. 

The ever-flowing thoughts we have or have had. Sometimes we remember them, but other times? We forget them. Only to recall them later. And so forth.

I think thinking itself is really tiring (that is, if we do it excessively). We tend to build up those little concepts in our head. Running wild internally. I would rather take a nap than to build up irrelevant and "harmful" thoughts in my head.

To be continued...

May you be blessed upon

"When I am with you,  there's no place I'd rather be." -  Bandits

Dear Rainbow Unicorn / Wifey (HAHAHAHA) / SISMANCE BUDDY / LADY...

Today was an absolutely memorable day. I feel like I have bonded with you a lot. And that feeling is great! I want to remember this day forever,  hence,  a penny for this post.

Something that will be etched inside my heart.

To others... 

Every small little kind and friendly act/ gesture you do,  it makes my day. It makes me feel like my presence is there indeed,  in front of you.

Thank you. Thank you for showing at least that tiny part of your concern. Even a thoughtful smile counts. 

Love y'all. ;') 

Peace and light be with you.

Xx